It’s possible that the best invention in the history of man is being able to deposit your checks on a banking app so you don’t have to leave your house or even your couch and you never have to wait in line at the bank ever again.

The activity is so wondrously simple that you wonder, for a moment, whether or not you’re awake. Granted, it takes a bit of work to get your banking app set up (which was enough for me to put this off for far too long), but once you have it downloaded and you’ve set up your password and login, you are basically good to go.

So, you take your check.

You press “deposit” on your app.

You type in how much you want to deposit.

You take a picture of the front of your check.

You take a picture of the back of your check.

And, voila, transaction completed.

Just to underscore how luxurious this activity is, I have half a mind to deposit a check while in a bubble bath sipping a glass of champagne. Or on horseback wearing a wedding dress and eating leftover cake. Or possibly aboard a yacht while drinking guava juice, as photographed above.

Whatever the scenario, having something to drink or eat in celebration seems essential.

Because, I’m telling you, it is that good.

What I’m especially excited about is when we receive one of those tiny checks for $2.38 in the mail. You know, the kind you get sometimes from a class-action lawsuit about faulty brakes or airbags or lawnmowers or even hot air balloons you didn’t know you were involved in. You get those checks and all you can feel is pity for the poor people who actually took the time to both file and win the case because they actually have a tragic story caused by faulty brakes or hot air balloons. Because they, too, are only getting a check for $2.38.

Then, once the pity subsides, you look at that dumb check and you think: “OK. Am I really going to traipse to the ever-loving bank to deposit this pittance? Or am I going to save this $2.38 check in my wallet until I have a pile of checks to deposit, which will very likely mean that I will lose this check and, thus, the $2.38 in the meantime?”

You then consider what, exactly, you can buy for that sum. It’s not very much, dear readers. A few Pep pattys. Maybe three if they’re two for three at Kroger. A couple of gallons of distilled water. Granted, Snickers satisfies, but that much, dear readers? That much?

Still, you can’t just throw it away. So it sits in your wallet for months, annoyingly taking up space, getting tattered on the edges. You don’t want it there, but you sure don’t want to wait in line at the bank either. Because waiting in line at the bank blows.

But now? No more. You take a bloody picture and you’re done like dinner. Free to go about your day with an unencumbered wallet. You feel bouncy. You feel tech-savvy. You feel, frankly, rich.

Does it matter that you will use your newly-gained free time to watch more Netflix? Or nap? Or video game? Instead of learning a new language or solving the world’s energy crisis?

Nah. It doesn’t.

All that matters is you’ve cut an annoying errand out of your errand list. Next thing you know, you’re going to start Click Listing at Kroger and pick up your groceries already selected and bagged for you.

Coming next week: Click Listing at Kroger





One thought on “Check’s in the phone

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