I have a new boyfriend.
OK, OK, I’m getting ahead of myself; you caught me.
I would like to have a new boyfriend. But I have competition.
His name is Andy and he’s the most popular guy in Kentucky. He’s smart. He cares. He can dress up or he can dress down, but his side hair part never changes.
He’s strict that way.
I think a lot of you might actually know him. He’s usually pretty available around 5 these days. That’s my most social, happiest hour too. See how much we have in common?
Andy also loves dogs and guess what? I love dogs too! Have I ever told you about my pupperonis Tilly and Fitz? No? No, I didn’t think so. Remind me to tell you about them one day.
He also treadmills. Remarkable! I treadmill! Not so much lately, granted. Lately I’ve been eating food like we’re running out, which maybe we are?
Just kidding. Andy says we’re not. There will be plenty of food and plenty of toilet paper and it’s not polite to hog. Right, Andy? Insert beaming-face emoji here.
Anyway, since a lot of you probably know my boyfriend (OK, OK, soon-to-be boyfriend), let me ask: Has he mentioned me to you at all? Like, even in a casual way? If he did, how did he look? Did he smile just the smallest amount? Did his eyes light up? Andy’s eyes are hazel. They are the hazeliest hazel of them all.
Anyway, don’t worry if he didn’t mention me. I’m not, alas, sure Andy knows I exist. Story of my life, I guess. Forever doomed to be the invisible girl in the Capitol Annex holding a folder against her chest.
Also, Andy’s married, and his wife Britainy seems perfectly lovely, apart from the spelling of her name. So, I guess it’s forgivable Andy’s not on the hunt. Also, I’m married, but my Andy-love is OK because my husband has a crush on him too. William was talking about Andy’s leadership style last night and he called him “competent.” Woah. Don’t be such a flirt, William.
Anyway, Britainy has got to know that almost everyone is in love with her husband right now. And that’s just a compliment to her because she sure picked a keeper.
My very favorite thing about him is he makes me feel safe. Don’t you feel that way? And the reason why I feel safe is because Andy is strict about more than just his hair part. He’s strict in that surprise way where you think someone is really polite and deacon-y, but then something happens, push comes to shove, and suddenly you get the impression that Andy might be handy with a lightsaber. Or he keeps a throwing star under his pullover on dress-down Saturday.
No means no in Andy’s world (I wouldn’t suggest a bingo joke) and that’s OK because I like strict people. Especially, I’m learning, during a pandemic. Turns out I’m real amenable to doing what people tell me to do when a killer virus is floating around.
My second favorite thing about Andy is the “Andy Beshear Memes for Social Distancing Teens” Facebook group he’s inspired. I mean, if you’re going to be in the middle of a pandemic, you might as well have a chuckle.
Truth be told, I haven’t gotten much done since I joined that group. I mean, except for my daily date (OK, our daily date, except it’s important you know I’m dating him the hardest) with Andy. Which is 1 hour and 42 minutes away. It’s the calmest part of my day. Yesterday, I changed into jeans and out of the soft pants I’ve been living in for a fortnight. Today, I might even try mascara.
Because, for all he’s doing for me, it’s the least I can do for him.
In all seriousness, I’ve never been prouder to be a Kentuckian than I am right now. Be safe, stay home and love each other from six feet apart.